Love and Happiness

A broken heart makes it easy to wallow in self-pity, easy to settle for victimhood. The struggle, the triumph, is getting back up again. To think of loving again immediately after your love-box is impaled is like craving a four-course meal immediately after a bout of vomiting. The very thought induces misery and pain associated with the purge itself, so much that at the time, you don't want to ever visualize, smell, or see food again. Eating is later re-learned, step by step, with first crackers, then a slice of bread, until you convince yourself you can eat again and hold it down.

Love hurts. The very thought of loving again during heartbreak or even at the beginning stages of recovery is torturous. You've already given so much, made yourself so vulnerable, so open to this union in which you've invested yourself, to be let down when it falls apart. What masochist would want more? But eventually, as you heal, you learn that you are more irrational in pain than in love, and you realize it's almost nonsensical to think, I'll never love again! In time, you find yourself longing --and ready--to love again. It could take months; it could take years. The point is not to want love in a co-dependent way, as if the thought of solitude is a prison sentence. The point of loving and losing love is to grow from it, to learn from it, so that when you're ready to love again, you can love even more. The heart is like a muscle; every time it tears, it regenerates and becomes stronger, as long as you continue to use the muscle.

I've had my share of heartbreak. I won't lie, one particular incident still hurts sometimes. But I am happy as a single woman. That's not to say--because I feel I must explain this--that I am content being single for the rest of my life; I am simply comfortable in my own company. But I am proud to know that I have conquered that self-pity, and I look forward to that day I will love again. I have not become the cynical, bitter and scorned woman who's lost faith in love. I have faith, which is of itself an accomplishment, that I will love again.

But why must people constantly make me doubt that faith?

It amazes me when I do things in the spirit of romance. I can be damn bold at times, doing a complete somersault out of my comfort zone. It makes me proud because the most recent time I got hurt, it was a situation where I'd made a bold move, and it backfired. But, I jumped again, this time convinced it was worth it. Here was someone I'd admired from afar for a while, someone with whom I felt compatible, whose conversation and company (physical and virtual) I enjoyed. We seemed kindred spirits, and it felt right to let him know how I felt. So, I confessed my feelings hoping for some resolution, big or small, between my love interest and me. And for a moment, that seemed the case.

Yet somewhere between "I dig you too," and "What now?," this nail-to-chalkboard inertia has set in, and not only has our alleged romance sat at a red light, our friendship has also since sat in purgatory. It's ironic because I remember in one of our debates about life and love, I said that I love being friends with men, it's when the line is crossed that guys start acting funky. He said it wasn't always the case, leaving me to believe he meant it wasn't the case with him.

But alas, it is. He has since been M-I-A, his presence along with his allegedly mutual feelings, leaving me no option but to take it personally. I put my heart on the line when I admitted my feelings, and I took that risk thinking the benefit would outweigh the cost. I took the risk because I thought he--we--had promise. This isn't so much heartbreak as it is plain disappointment. I'm forgiving enough that with the right explanation I'd still give him a chance, but I really hope his so-called feelings weren't just an obligatory concession. He seems an otherwise upstanding guy so I will give him benefit of a doubt.

Maybe he's scared. I understand; emotions are scary, because they're uncontrollable. Given our circumstances, being scared is expected, but it's no excuse for abandoning it all. Firstly, I thought we were friends. I can't take back what I said, nor will I, because it was honest. I just hope he realizes that avoiding his feelings won't will them away. In the meantime, I'll just keep the faith.

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